


weren't you waiting for me? (i was waiting for you)

by tigerlo



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, but there's a happy ending I promise, i'm posting this all in one chapter so i hope it's not too big, oh dear i've slipped and written 10000 words of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 03:13:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8780917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: Jillian takes a chance with Erin, gets shot down and starts seeing someone else, and Erin is left to deal with the consequences. 
or
The story of how Erin breaks her own heart.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ljthebard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ljthebard/gifts).



> Full and complete credit for the idea of this story goes to ljthebard, who gave me the most beautiful prompt from their wonderful brain, and let me play it out.
> 
> This monster is for you pal, I hope you enjoy.

-

 

 

It starts with a kiss.

 

It starts with a kiss and it ends with one too.

 

 

-

 

 

Erin has always felt bound to the chains of social convention, shackled to then at a young age.

 

_Don't_ question your teachers.

 

_Don't_ dress strangely.

 

_Don't_ pretend to see ghosts.

 

She feels the weight of that burden every single second of every day.

 

She lives her whole life by them, around them, always doing everything the way everyone expected, without so much as a hair out of place.

 

“Just be _normal_ , Erin. It's not that hard.”

 

“Yes, mother. Sorry.”

 

She adheres to it so strictly that she loses friends and breaks relationships, and almost destroys any chance of happiness she ever had until they save the world and _finally_ , Erin sees that sometimes **good** can come from the contradiction.

 

It's hard though, it's so fucking hard in the beginning when people are calling her crazy and unbalanced, and all she wants to do is run back to her boring as hell, heteronormative life, but something stops her.

 

_Someone_ , rather.

 

 

-

 

 

Jillian Holtzmann is an abnormality of the highest degree in the story of Erin Gilbert's life.

 

She's ashamed to admit it later on, but she had been embarrassed about her in the early days.

 

She was too loud, too weird, drew too much attention to herself.

 

Was the very antithesis of everything Erin had worked her entire life _not_ to be.

 

So naturally, she would be the one Erin was doomed to fall in love with.

 

 

-

 

 

 

Jillian's not the first woman she's had feelings for. But she's never acted on them before.

 

Never.

 

She doesn't think she could have shouldered the consequences of living life with _that_ label, on top of everything else.

 

Erin fought it tooth and nail in the beginning, clawing back her desire and desperately trying to hold the way her body wanted to bow towards Jillian's from the first time they met.

 

She throws herself headlong towards Kevin because he's the _safe_ option, but the universe doesn't let her get away with it that easily.

 

 

-

 

 

Erin knows Jillian feels _something_ for her, she's just not sure how deep it goes.

 

The flirting is an obvious tell, but there are so many others.

 

The way she always looks to Erin for feedback when she finishes a new prototype. The way Erin's always the first one who gets to play with any new toys. The way that Erin is the _only_ one allowed to steal Pringles from the can without getting her hand slapped away.

 

They're little things sure, but they're _there_.

 

 

-

 

 

And it's so hard because Erin can feel the way they're moving towards each other, without actually addressing this almost tangible thing between them, and she doesn't know what she's going to do when they don't have any other choice but to face it.

 

The old Erin, the lonely and scared Erin would have turned Jillian away without thinking about it.

 

But this Erin, still lonely and still scared but _different_ , she doesn't know what she'll do.

 

 

-

 

 

She waits.

 

She waits because she'll confront this if she has to, but the years of self-conditioning have left their mark, their scars run deep, and she's not as brave as Jillian is.

 

 

-

 

 

It happens after they all meet Dr Gorin for the first time.

 

Jillian makes a passing comment about the two of them dating and Erin shuts it down without thinking about it, only realising the extent of the damage when she catches the flash of pain that echoes across Jillian’s face.

 

The mask is in place a second later though, and she rolls the slight easily with some comment about ‘going back to the drawing board’.

 

She disappears into the lab, slipping between metal and nuclear material that could never do as much damage as Erin's words.

 

 

-

 

 

Patty drags them all out for a drink later that night, a celebration of their new home and the broad future that stretches out before them now.

 

Erin normally loves nights like these because Jillian _always_ squeezes in next to her, throws her arm over the back of the booth or chair, and Erin can pretend for a second.

 

She can pretend that she has absolutely no control over Jillian's actions and has no choice but to allow herself to be swept away with the tide.

 

Erin closes her eyes for a second, and imagines what life could be like if only she could break the bonds at her wrists, lean back into Jillian, and watch as the world around them bent to accommodate their union.

 

Except that tonight, Jillian doesn't slide in next to her.

 

She waits until Erin's seated and then she does an about turn and heads to the bar to order their first round. When she comes back, she slides in next to Patty instead.

 

Abby, ever aware Abby, who knows _so_ much but never oversteps her place, must register that too because she frowns as she watches Holtzmann quietly fold in on herself and nurse her beer, in complete contrast to her normal behaviour.

 

Erin watches as Abby's mouth opens as if she's about to call Holtz on it. She glances over to Erin first, taking note of the slightly strained look on her face, and bites her tongue.

 

The rest of the night passes quickly.

 

They all have a few beers too many and it's fine, fun even, but Erin's concern only grows as Holtzmann doesn't really shake out of her mood.

 

It hits a peak, and Erin decides to remove herself from the equation. She feels guilty enough for bringing this on, and it's only fair that she leave and give Jillian a chance to enjoy herself without Erin there.

 

“I think I'm gonna head off guys, I'm exhausted. Have a good night, I'll see you all at breakfast.”

 

“Are you sure you want to head home? We're just getting started, girl,” Patty says loudly from across the table.

 

“Yeah, I'm sure. Have another drink for me?”

 

Abby looks at her, brow furrowed in worry.

 

“Will you be ok to get home? I can come with?”

 

“I'll take her,” Jillian says quietly from across the table, before Erin has the chance to reply. “If you don't mind the company.”

 

She's struck dumb by the surprise of Jillian's offer given Erin thought she had gone out of her way to avoid contact with her tonight, and it takes her a second to be able to pull together a sentence.

 

“Are you sure? I mean I'd love that, but I'll be fine if you want to stay.”

 

“Sure as a shock Gilbert, let's go.”

 

Erin looks to Abby, her own confusion mirrored on Abby's face, but Abby just shrugs subtly and mouths something that looks like ‘later’.

 

 

-

 

 

They don't say anything as they walk the few blocks back to the firehouse, but Jillian slips her leather jacket off and puts it around Erin's shoulders when she starts to shiver.

 

She tries to hand it back but Jillian's not having a bar of it, so she relents and pulls it closer around herself, drawing in a deep breath that smells of aniseed and oil and the soft perfume that Jillian wears mixing with her own.

 

They don't break the silence until they're back at home, the two of them standing awkwardly in the kitchen, a crossroad of possibilities standing before them made of smoke.

 

Erin hates this. It's never been awkward between them, _ever_.

 

Compelled to do something, she bites her tongue and swallows her pride and is about to open her mouth to apologise when Holtz beats her too it.

 

“Night-cap? The stars will be out tonight, it's a full moon. It'd be a shame not to have a drink with them.”

 

Erin sighs deeply in relief, already moving past Jillian for two glasses and the bottle of scotch they keep hidden in the kitchen for special occasions.

 

“Lead the way.”

 

 

-

 

 

It _is_ beautiful.

 

The moon is bright, the light bounces off Jillian's blonde hair and turns her eyes almost silver in the dark of the rooftop, and Erin almost gasps against the bonds that pull at her, reminding her _who_ she is and what she _can't_ do.

 

Jillian pours them two generous glasses, handing Erin's to her before resting her own glass on the edge of the roof and reaching into her pocket.

 

She pulls out a pack of cigarettes and gestures to Erin.

 

“Do you mind?”

 

“I didn't know you smoked?” Erin says in surprise, and her heart _aches_ at the thought that there are so many small pieces of Jillian's life that she knows nothing about.

 

“I don't. Nervous habit. I don't have to though, if it bothers you?”

 

“No, no not all. Just surprised. I love the smell, my grandfather used to smoke. It reminds me of him.”

 

Jillian smiles a small, hesitant smile and Erin watches as her hands shake slightly when she raises them to light the end of her cigarette.

 

The wind catches the lighter the next second, blowing it out, and Jillian frowns in frustration.

 

“Here,” Erin says, moving to close her hands around Jillian's, providing a shelter for the flame.

 

Her skin is warm under Erin's, in contrast to the cool night air, and she feels a **thud** when they touch like her heartbeat was trying to fall in sync with Jillian's.

 

She feels Jillian jump slightly under the contact too, whether just surprised or something closer to what Erin can feel Erin’s not sure, but she recovers quickly and smiles when the end of the cigarette glows between them.

 

There's something in the moment that almost makes Erin’s heart stop as she watches the flame stutter out between them, but it slips away when Jillian moves back to blow a mist of smoke away from Erin.

 

“What are you nervous about?” Erin asks, suddenly registering Jillian's words.

 

“It’s far too early for that, or too late,” Jillian says softly as she takes another drag of the smoke, closing her eyes as Erin watches her frame move, drawing it in.

 

Erin wants to ask Jillian what she means, she can sense the double entendre hidden behind her words, but she wants to apologise before they go any further, and a small curious part of her wonders if the two things might be connected somehow.

 

“About before Jill, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so dismissive. You just took me by surprise and….”

 

Jillian shakes her head, holds out a hand to Erin to stop her.

 

“Don't apologise, please? It was my bad. I guess I thought I was being funny, but god knows I'm about 50/50 with humour most of the time.” Jillian says, and she's putting every effort into trying to pass it off as a joke but Erin can see through it.

 

She knows she's walking on thin ice, can feel it cracking under her feet but she can't stop the words tumbling out of her mouth.

 

“What did you mean though? About us dating? Was it really all a joke, or….”

 

Erin watches as Jillian’s shoulders drop in defeat, and she takes one last draw of the cigarette before she flicks it away.

 

She turns to Erin, and she looks more serious than Erin's ever seen her before.

 

She looks like she has the burden of the world on her shoulders and it's almost enough to push Erin forward, to make her drop to her knees at Jillian's side and help her bear some of the weight.

 

“I'm sorry Er, I tried. I _really_ tried.”

 

“I don't understand….”

 

She starts, but before she can take another breath Jillian's moving forward, one hand sliding around the back of her neck as the other traces the line of her jaw.

 

Her lips are soft, _so_ much softer than Erin could ever have imagined, and there's a hesitancy in her touch that Erin can feel in her bones.

 

She'd like to say she was surprised, that anything about this moment was in any way unexpected, but that would be a bigger lie than the one she's currently trying to tell herself in order to stop her body sinking fully against Jillian’s.

 

Erin doesn’t move at first, her body frozen partly in shock but mostly in relief that _this_ is finally happening.

 

The kiss itself is chaste, but Erin can feel Jillian pouring her soul into it.

 

She’s saying you’re beautiful and you’re brilliant and _I think I’ve loved you for longer than we’ve been alive_ with the way she presses her lips so delicately against Erin’s.

 

And Erin wants to cry because she feels it _all_.

 

Jillian’s hands are soft against her, and so _so_ light she can barely feel them and she wants to move, to do something to let Jillian know that whatever _this_ is, she wants it too.

 

But she doesn’t.

 

She _can’t_.

 

Her body feels anchored in time and space, and all at once she’s hit with the realisation of what this means.

 

For her.

 

For them.

 

For everyone else who _has_ ever and **will** ever pass judgement on them.

 

It hits Erin like a tidal wave, and suddenly she can’t breathe.

 

She’s never wanted anything more in her entire life, and instead of fighting the voices in her head, she lets her own insecurities drown her instead.

 

Jillian must feel the change in her body because she pulls away immediately, and the loss of contact is almost more than Erin’s body can bear.

 

Her eyes are closed, and her head is dipped low. She’s biting her lip so hard Erin’s worried she’s going to pierce the skin, and the expression on her face tells Erin that she already knows.

 

“Jill, I….”

 

She tries, but it’s too late.

 

Jillian’s already gone.

 

 

-

 

 

The days that follow are awful.

 

Every time Erin walks into a room, Jillian walks out.

 

She avoids Erin at every opportunity, making sure they're never alone together, and that there's at least six feet between them at all times.

 

She sits on different couches, and always takes tables at the bar where they don't have to sit close to each other.

 

She starts altering her routine during the day so they largely miss each other, Jillian only coming in once she knows Erin will be on her way home.

 

It absolutely _kills_ Erin.

 

It kills her because all she wants to do is grab Jillian by the shoulders and push her up against a wall and _scream_ , just so she'll look Erin in the eyes, but she doesn't.

 

She doesn't because she knows how badly she’s fucked this up, and the least she can do is respect Jillian and the space she's so desperately seeking as though her very _life_ depended on it.

 

Abby and Patty know something's up but neither of them do anything to acknowledge it.

 

Instead Abby looks across the room at her with a gaze somewhere between pity and anger, and Patty doesn't speak to her at all.

 

Erin makes it a week before she fails under the weight of her own guilt and tries to seek Jillian out.

 

 

-

 

 

Holtz does such an exquisite job of avoiding Erin that try as she might, she doesn't even have an opportunity to try and apologise or explain herself until two long weeks after the kiss.

 

 

They get called out on a bust and it's late, the sky is an inky black and the stars are trying feebly to shine through the thick cloud as they pull up to an old cemetery on the edge of town.

 

They're all quiet as they pile out of the car and suit up, and Erin's not sure if it's just the icy mood that's settled low over them since Jillian started avoiding her, or if it's out of respect for the dead around them.

 

Abby double checks the info on her phone before she directs them down one of the rows to a very old, very grand looking mausoleum.

 

The report had come through from the groundsman with details about some sort of pearly white figure lingering around this particular tomb, and while they hadn't reported any malicious activity, the four of them thought it important to check it out regardless.

 

The row is narrow and they walk together, but single file. Patty in the lead, then Holtzmann, then Abby, with Erin bringing up the rear.

 

They’re almost at the mouth of the tomb when Erin notices that the stone covering the doorway, ornamental with two wrought iron handles woven into the rock, has been cracked in two.

 

Jillian moves forward automatically and Abby and Patty stop, arm their packs and wait, as Erin keeps walking towards the entrance.

 

Jillian turns at the sound of her footfalls, and they make eye contact for the first time in a fortnight.

 

She should be paying more attention to her surroundings but everything narrows to the small space between them and before she can do anything to prevent it, _everything_ happens at once.

 

The ghost materialises behind Erin, standing between she and Jillian separating them from Patty and Abby.

 

Erin watches in horror as the ghost, a young woman in Victorian dress, smiles cruelly before pushing both she and Jillian into the mouth of the tomb.

 

They fall forwards and Erin watches in some displaced sense of terror as the ghost pulls the two enormous broken pieces of marble together, trapping her and Jillian inside, alone, while it turns presumably to attack Patty and Abby outside.

 

The two of them hit the ground, hard and tangled together.

 

Jillian does her best to bend herself around Erin so she takes the brunt of the impact, but they both still feel the fall in their bones.

 

Erin's laying on top of Holtz, and Holtz has her hands on Erin’s waist softly, her fingers absentmindedly running over the lines of her hip as though trying to ease some of the pain of impact.

 

It's the closest they've been in days and Erin doesn't hasten to move straight away, just breathes and feels the way Jillian's body slides perfectly between her own.

 

Their eyes flicker and lock and Erin watches as a shiver runs through Jillian's body at the _exact_ same time she feels it run through her own.

 

“Did you….?” She starts, but Jillian's eyes dart away as soon as she speaks, and she pushes gently at Erin's hips, prompting her to move.

 

Erin moves off her quickly, extending a hand out to help Jillian up which she takes grudgingly, wincing as Erin pulls at her arm.

 

“Are you ok?” Jillian's voice is soft and worried but she's trying desperately to make her voice sound mechanical, not too gentle.

 

“Yeah, I think so. You?”

 

“I think the pack might have cracked a rib when I landed on it, but yeah, I'm fine.”

 

They both move towards the door and can hear the sound of Abby and Patty fighting with the ghost beyond the thick marble.

 

They listen for the crack of the proton stream they both know so well, hear Abby and Patty both let a few very good swear words loose, and then sigh in relief when they hear Patty’s loud exclamation of success.

 

“Got you, you feisty little brat. How in the hell does a girl that young get that viscous?”

 

“I don't know, but maybe we should have waited to put her in the containment unit until after she'd moved that marble.”

 

Erin hears them both shuffle closer and Abby's voice rings out loudly across the now still night.

 

“Hey, are you two alright in there?”

 

“We're fine Abs, I think Holtz hurt her rib but we’re ok.”

 

“Ok good. I'm gonna go call for back-up, we're never going to be able to move that door ourselves. You two hold tight and we'll be back soon, alright?”

 

“Try and make it quick will you boo? I'm hungry,” Jillian says, trying to alleviate the tense air inside the tomb.

 

“Oh yeah, you're just fine,” Abby laughs from the other side. “See you in a bit.”

 

And with that they're gone, leaving Erin and Jillian in silence again.

 

Jillian walks away, or rather hobbles away, hand holding her side tightly to sit at the opposite side of the small space.

 

Erin waits a few beats before she turns and follows her, sitting on the ground a metre or so away from Jillian.

 

She knows this isn't exactly ideal, and it makes her feel awful for wanting to push this, but for the first time in two weeks she’s got Jillian in a position where she can't run away.

 

She starts gently, her voice soft and almost inaudible and she watches as Jillian’s eyes don't leave her lap where she's fiddling with a screw from her pocket.

 

“Look, Jill, I know you just want me to give you space but I want to explain myself.”

 

“No need.” Jillian replies, and her voice is soft but hard at the same time, like she's desperately trying to hold herself together.

 

“There is though, please….”

 

“No Er, there's not. I kissed you. You didn't want it. I'm really sorry for putting you in that position. End of. You're not interested, I get it and I'd really rather save myself the embarrassment of you explaining how it's ok and we'll still be friends. I'm a grown-up, I understand. I'll respect you, so please respect me and leave it?”

 

“I _do_ respect you, I do but I want to….”

 

“Please Erin, I just can’t. It….it _hurts_ ok? I just want to leave it.”

 

She's never been so torn in her life because she wants to explain everything.

 

That it's not that she doesn't feel, it's that she feels _too much_ and she does want this, but she's just so scared.

 

She's scared of how deep her own feelings go, and she's scared of the consequences if they do this.

 

She watches the pain in Jillian's face when she finally looks up to Erin, her eyes _pleading_ for respite.

 

And she doesn’t want this, she doesn’t want to hurt her more so Erin does the only thing she knows will make that pain stop for Jillian, and she steels her own heart and nods.

 

“Ok. I'm sorry, I'll drop it. Please just know though that I do care about you, a lot.”

 

“I know,” Jillian says quietly, but Erin doesn't think she means herself to be heard.

 

“It's just not enough.”

 

 

-

 

 

They don't speak again until help arrives some three hours later.

 

Abby and Patty bring a couple of fire crews, and together they manage to pry open the doors enough to get she and Jillian out.

 

Erin holds her hand out to Jillian to help her up off the ground, but she shakes her head softly.

 

“I'm ok, Er,” she says, even though she's clearly not.

 

She sucks in a sharp breath as she stands, and Erin can see that she's in a lot more pain that she'd let on earlier.

 

They slip through the crack and Jillian's bustled off by an EMT immediately, falling heavily into the man's side when he offers her support.

 

The sight sends a spike of pain through Erin too.

 

She's always been the first one Jillian went to when she hurt herself in the lab, arms out and face pleading like a big baby, but now she's messed this all up, and she tries to comprehend a life where Jillian never comes to her again.

 

Abby takes her off to the side as Patty follows Holtz to the ambulance.

 

She pulls her hand out of Abby's grip instantly, ready to move towards the others. She just needs to know that Jillian is ok, when Abby grabs her arm with a firmer grip.

 

She spins round, ready to snap at Abby but the stern look on her face stops Erin in her tracks.

 

“Leave it Erin.”

 

She pales at the harshness in Abby's voice and her expression softens a little.

 

“I just need to know she's ok.”

 

“She'll be fine Er, and Patty's there if she needs anything.”

 

“I just want to….”

 

“I know you do but….I think you've done enough, hmm? You need to give her some space.”

 

“I haven't….”

 

“Look, I said I wasn't going to get involved but regardless of what you have or haven't done, you've clearly hurt her. Don't make it worse.”

 

She doesn't have a reply to that, and the weight of Abby’s words sit in her stomach like a brick.

 

It makes Erin feel sick to admit it but Abby's right, so she bites her lip and stays put, and she waits as the chain around her wrists _aches_ back at her.

 

 

-

 

 

Things only get worse between the two of them.

 

Erin had hoped that them at least airing things out would bring them to some sort of hesitant equilibrium, but she's wrong.

 

Instead of  trying to build an empty friendship, one where they both love each other more than all the stars in the sky only one of them is too much of a coward to admit it, she watches as the light goes out of Jillian completely.

 

She stops singing. She stops dancing. She stops _living_.

 

She continues to make adjustments to their current equipment but nothing more. There are no new weapon reveals where Erin can stand too close and pretend that she doesn't know her hand has found its way to the small of Jillian's back where it fits perfectly.

 

There's _nothing_.

 

The guilt of her actions sits in her veins like poison, and Erin just wishes she could wave a magic wand and turn back time and fix it all.

 

But she can't.

 

Because in this world there are no such things as fairy godmothers, and the weight of our irreversible decisions are as destructive as a curse.

 

 

-

 

 

Abby and Patty do their best to put a patch on the bleeding wound she has left in Jillian's chest to little effect, until one day a few weeks after their misadventure in the mausoleum.

 

It's late in the day and Erin's just about to throw in the towel.

 

She's spent the better part of the week staring at a new equation on her whiteboard that she _cannot_ for the life of her, balance.

 

She's downstairs for now, away from her usual position in the upstairs lab at Abby's insistence, so she has a front row seat to her worst nightmare when Patty comes back after an afternoon spent at the library.

 

She comes bursting through the door voice at full volume, which is very normal, but she has someone in tow with her, which is not.

 

The stranger is young, closer to or the same as Holtz in age and while she looks bookish, she's beautiful.

 

Her hair is long and auburn, not dissimilar to how Erin used to wear her own in college, and she has thick but fashionable looking glasses perched on the end of her nose.

 

She's dressed well, not exactly to Erin's taste but _still_ , and Erin can't help the tinge of concern settle dangerously in her stomach at the sight of her.

 

Patty spots Erin and walks over to her, dragging the visitor along behind her as she continues to talk loudly, gesturing around the room.

 

“This is Erin Gilbert, our experimental particle physicist. Erin, this young lady is in one of the graduate physics programmes at the local university. We got talking at the library and I thought I'd bring her back to meet y’all. I know we haven't talked about it properly, but the Mayor’s keen to have us start an apprentice type thing and I think I've found our first candidate.”

 

Erin loses the content of Patty’s next few words, including the girl’s name, her voice fading dully into the background, because all she can focus on is Jillian, standing on the stairs.

 

Jillian, whose eyes haven't left the stranger since she walked in the door.

 

Jillian, who used to look at Erin like that.

 

Jillian, who Erin now realises with a sickening jolt, will _not_ remain abstinent for the rest of her life, regardless of the magnitude of Erin's feelings.

 

Jillian, who now belongs to the infiniteness of _possibilities_ and _maybes_

 

Jillian, who is no longer _hers_.

 

Erin vaguely hears herself respond to Patty before she watches with a horror she has never felt before as the two of them walk across the room to meet Jillian.

 

Jillian, who looks like someone just showed her the world in technicolour after an eternity of black and white and grey.

 

Abby comes out not long after, and they agree on the spot that the stranger will stay and train to become part of the team, an assistant of sorts.

 

They're happy, and smiling, and breaking open a bottle of champagne, and it's all Erin can do to stop herself clawing her heart clean out of her chest.

 

 

-

 

 

Their new addition is brilliant and polite and smart, and she learns as fast as they can teach her.

 

She's eager but not pushy, and Erin can see Jillian is enamoured within days.

 

She spends time with each of them in turn, keenly asking questions and writing down pages and pages of notes.

 

Patty begins to teach her about the history of the city and Abby starts mentoring her, even Kevin takes to her easily, showing her how to answer the phone.

 

To Erin's horror, her field of study is most closely aligned to her own, so she's stuck having to grin and bear three plus hours every day with her, pretending like everything is fine.

 

And while it takes every part of her to keep up the dangerously thin pretence she _can_ manage, she knows the illusion is barely fooling anyone, least of all herself.

 

Jillian is careful not to show her obvious adoration for the newcomer around Erin, but as soon as she thinks they're out of earshot she excitedly tells the stranger all about her new inventions and latest improvements.

 

And Erin’s heart breaks _deeper_ and _deeper_ , because that's what Jillian used to do with her but mostly because there's not a damn thing she can say about it.

 

 

-

 

 

Erin's world comes crumbling down around her a month after the others welcome _her_ into their midst.

 

They're out for a drink, celebrating the first bust they've brought her along to and Erin’s sitting at a table with Abby while Patty, Jillian and the new girl dance a few feet away.

 

She doesn't bother making conversation with Abby, just sips quietly at her drink as she tries to think of an excuse to leave early.

 

It's all going fine, as fine as it can anyway, until something happens that stops her heart dead in her chest.

 

She watches as the new girl reaches her hand out, entwining her fingers with Jillian's as she pulls their bodies together and _kisses_ her.

 

She watches as Jillian's hands move as settle on her waist with a practised ease that tells Erin this isn't the first time this has happened.

 

She can hear her breathing getting more and more strained, there's a maelstrom roaring in her ears, and her heart is pounding so hard she thinks it might actually kill her.

 

She's only vaguely aware of Abby dragging her away, until the slap of cold air hits her heated skin and she sucks in a few desperate breaths before she slides down the side of the bar a few feet away.

 

“They've been seeing each other for a few weeks.”

 

She wants to be sick. _God_ , how had she not realised.

 

Because you've been trying not to see anything you don't want to, her brain says traitorously before it shows her flashes of their interactions over the last few weeks.

 

They’re all small touches and quiet smiles and happiness, _god_ , Jillian had been so happy, how had Erin not seen it before?

 

“Look,” Abby says down to her, her voice is slightly harsh. “I know this is a shock for you, but she's happy Erin. If you couldn't give that to her, you can't begrudge her that from someone else.”

 

Abby's right, of course she is, but all Erin wants to do is scream until her voice is hoarse, and there's nothing she can do to stop the tears that start to fall.

 

“Just behave, alright. Let her have this. It'll get easier once you start to….”

 

“Leave, Abby. _Please_. I can't do this now.”

 

She looks at Erin again, her face softening and her eyes heavy with pity as she nods and starts to walk back inside.

 

She lets out a sob once Abby’s a few feet away, not caring that she's still within earshot. The gasp escapes without her permission and the tears only bleed faster.

 

“You did this, Er. Remember that, please? You _had_ your chance.”

 

 

-

 

 

She tries so desperately to stop it, but she feels the jealousy settle into her bones. Can feel the venom burn the inside of each vein, carving out the hope and leaving nothing but despair.

 

 

-

 

 

 

Erin knows it makes her a horrible person, but it absolutely cripples her to see Jillian so happy with someone else.

 

Her smiles are easy, and they're stupid together, and Erin's never seen Jillian's smile reach her eyes so much.

 

It might be easier if they weren't so damn open about how in love they were either.

 

They're handsy, and they kiss in front of the others, and every time Erin has to watch it she feels another crack tear it's way through her heart.

 

 

-

 

 

It only gets harder.

 

It gets harder because Jillian starts to soften around her again.

 

She starts to joke and dance around Erin like she used to, but it’s so much worse than when there was nothing because Erin knows now that she will only ever have half of Jillian, and not the whole.

 

Because the other part isn’t hers to have anymore.

 

-

 

 

Erin watches as the others fall in love with her, too.

 

In another world, a different world where the new girl doesn’t play her part in the greatest tragedy Erin has ever known, Erin could have really liked her.

 

Because she _is_ bright, and she’s keen to learn, and she fits in _so well_ with them that sometimes Erin forgets what it was like before, without her.

 

When Jillian still looked at her like she placed the stars and mapped out worlds with her hands.

 

But instead she has this world with broken _almosts_ and hollow **maybes** and it’s all she can do just to keep breathing.

 

 

-

 

 

It hurts the most in the dark.

 

In the cold hours before dawn, when Erin can close her eyes and pretend that the empty space beside her is temporary.

 

She imagines what it would be like to roll over and have warm hands pull her close to another sleeping body, mumble half-poems in her ear and feel a pulse beat in time with her own as she slipped back into unconsciousness.

 

But then the sun rises and she’s still alone with nothing but regrets at her side.

 

Some nights Erin lets her hands wander low.

 

She holds her breath and imagines Jillian’s fingers sliding home with her lips at her neck, and she comes with the whisper of a sob between her teeth.

 

 

-

 

 

The unstable truce lasts a month.

 

 

-

 

 

They’re out drinking again, and Erin throws herself into the night.

 

She takes shot after shot after shot and watches vaguely as warm blue eyes, edged with concern, seek hers out.

 

Part of her wants to elicit some sort of reaction from Jillian, and the other part wants to forget Erin ever knew she existed.

 

She settles somewhere in the middle, and presses herself against an unfamiliar body. Female and blonde, whose hands drop to her hips and pull Erin close.

 

Erin shuts her eyes and ignores the hit of unfamiliar perfume, instead tries to mould the invasion on her senses into something more familiar.

 

They dance, and at some stage they kiss, and Erin looks over her partner's shoulder just in time to see Jillian knock back the rest of her beer and storm out of the bar.

 

She wants to be happy. She wants to be relieved that there’s still _something_ there, enough to get a rise, but instead she just feels guilty.

 

She pushes herself off the other woman and makes her way to the bathroom.

 

Erin looks at herself in the mirror before dropping a handful of water over her neck and face. She closes her eyes as it runs rivulets down her skin, cooling the heated flesh in its wake.

 

If Erin’s honest she barely recognise the woman staring back at her now.

 

This new Erin is hardened and cynical. The light has gone out of her eyes, and Erin doesn’t know if she’ll ever get it back.

 

Love is supposed to heal all and build _stars_ , but how can love ever be a **good** thing if all it makes Erin want to do is cut out her heart just so she doesn’t have to _feel_.

 

She hears the door to the bathroom swing open and she’s not at all surprised to see Abby behind her.

 

Loyal, honest Abby who has never let Erin be anything less than true to herself.

 

“Cut it out, Erin.”

 

Her voice is sympathetic but hard, and there is no trace of gentility in her eyes when Erin meets them.

 

“Why? Everyone else is allowed to have fun, why can’t I?”

 

“Because it’s not fun if you’re hurting other people.”

 

“Who am I hurting, huh? You? Patty?”

 

“You know what you’re doing, Er. Grow up.”

 

She wants so badly to leave it, but the liquor in her blood has made her more careless than usual, and she can’t stop the retort once it forms in her brain.

 

“You know what? _No_ , I won’t. She doesn’t get to flaunt her happiness in front of me and expect me to just sit by and be miserable forever. It’s not fair Abs. It hurts too much.”

 

“And you think this is going to help?”

 

“No. But it’s a patch. It’s a fucking patch on an open wound so I can try and enjoy myself for five minutes without feeling like I’m dying.”

 

She watches as Abby sighs heavily. This has taken its toll on her too, watching her two best friends love each other from between a barbed wire fence, and when she speaks again it’s softer.

 

“You can’t do this forever, you know that right?”

 

“But I have to, don’t I? And I don’t know what else to do.”

 

 

-

 

 

Things go quiet for a while after that.

 

Jillian distances herself again, and her companion seems to sense that something is amiss as well. She’s more cautious around Erin, takes lighter steps and asks less questions, and it just makes Erin feel even worse.

 

She overhears whispered conversations between Abby and Patty, and once wishes she could turn back time because their words contain a truth Erin has only now learnt the horror of.

 

 

-

 

 

“Have you ever realised how much she looks like a younger version of…”

 

“Stop. I don’t even want to think about it, alright.”

 

“Yo, I know you want to, but we can’t keep ignoring this forever. The shit’s going to hit the fan eventually Abby.”

 

“I’ve told her to…”

 

“Come on. Do you think the stern words of a forty-something year old white woman are going to do shit against something like that?”

 

“Something like what?”

 

“ _Fate_ girl, fate.”

 

 

-

 

 

It finally comes to a head while they’re out on a bust.

 

They get called to an old creepy mansion, right out of the page of a horror film, and the minute they walk through the door four ghosts split the five of them up into two parties.

 

_She_ is taken away with Abby and Patty, and Erin and Jillian are trapped behind an old false door.

 

Great.

 

Excellent.

 

_Perfect_.

 

They haven’t been alone in weeks, and this is the first time Jillian has actually acknowledged her presence since the bar.

 

“God, I didn’t actually think anything like this existed in the real world,” Erin huffs as she thumps her fist against the wooden wall, that now refuses to revolve like it had a minute ago.

 

“There’s probably a release lever on the other side. They were pretty standard practise with old houses like this where people used to hide their families during the war.”

 

Erin turns around, surprised, and Jillian just shrugs in response.

 

“Patty.”

 

“Oh.”

 

It’s not a large room, maybe a few metres squared, and they take their time walking around the edges, trying to feel for anything that might release the door mechanism and let them out.

 

It’s difficult in such a small space, but somehow they manage to avoid being within touching distance of each other.

 

 

“Erin look, I wanted to say something to you. I know this is a weird situation, but we need to try and make this work, ok?”

 

“I thought I was?”

 

“Well yeah, but, like you’re not at the same time. And I don’t get it because I thought you didn’t…. Anyway, I don’t understand but it doesn’t matter.”

 

“You don’t understand what?”

 

“You.”

 

“Me?”

 

“Yeah, you. You say you don’t want me, but then you act like a jealous ex-girlfriend and I don’t know how any of this is supposed to work, but I don’t think _that’s_ the reaction you’re supposed to have.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You’re not supposed to care. But it feels like you do.”

 

“I _don’t_ care, Jillian. I’m glad you’re happy.”

 

“Come on Er, don't give me that crap. I know you better than that..”

 

“I’m not….”  
  


“You are, **stop**.”

 

Erin sighs and drops her head into her hands and slides to the floor.

 

She’s never been a particularly good liar, but Jillian had always been able to see straight through all the smoke like nobody else, even Abby.

 

She runs her hand along something by her back, and they hear a _click_ as the door pops open and a sliver of light falls across them both.

 

“No,” Jillian says immediately, reaching out to stop Erin from moving away as she stands up. “Wait. I want to finish this.”

 

“Well I don’t want to.”

 

“You don’t want to do what?”

 

“This. Talk about _this_.”

 

“Don’t we have to though?”

 

No, she thinks. No we don’t. We can dance around each other for the rest of our lives, and it doesn’t matter as long as one of us is still _breathing_.

 

Erin knows she should keep her mouth shut, but she’s tired, she’s just so tired of _aching_ every second of every day and something in her just **snaps**.

 

“Fine.”

 

She feels the dread build at the base of her spine, but there's no turning back now.

 

The precipice looms under her toes, and she looks into Jillian’s eyes for the first time in days as she throws herself off the edge.

 

“Fine. _I love you._ Happy?”

 

It’s simple. No frills. No sparkles. No fireworks.

 

Just the cold, empty truth Erin’s been living with every single day since she turned Jillian away.

 

Holtz doesn’t answer straight away.

 

She’s turned slightly away so Erin can only see her profile, but it’s enough that she doesn’t miss the flash of pain cross Jillian’s face.

 

There’s a beat and the silence hangs so heavy between them Erin can almost run her fingers through it before Jillian finally answers her..

 

“How dare you?”

 

“What?” Erin asks, taken aback at the harshness of her voice.

 

“I said how dare you?”

 

“Jillian, please.”

 

“No, no please. _Fuck_ you Erin, you don’t get to do this.”

 

She’s angry. Erin’s never actually seen her angry before, and she watches as Jillian clenches her fists before turning around and throwing her palm against the wood panelling of the trick door.

 

She steps back, not scared of Jillian hurting her, but scared of what she might to do herself.

 

“You don’t get to shut me down and break my heart, and then wait until I’m finally happy with someone else to grow some balls and admit that you love me. It doesn’t work like that.”

 

“Jill, I’m sorry.”

 

“No, _I’m_ sorry Erin. I’m sorry I ever kissed you in the first place. I’m sorry because I know deep down you never would have done anything if I hadn’t made a move first, because you’re too much of a coward.”

 

Her words hit Erin in the chest like a gunshot, and she finds herself clutching at the space where her heart is because it physically _hurts_ to hear the truth spoken aloud like that.

 

She watches as Jillian immediately deflates as soon as the last word leaves her mouth and she sinks to the floor, dropping her head between her knees.

 

“Jill, I….”

 

She bends down, reaching out for Jillian. She’s desperate to touch, to try and repair some of this damage before they both bleed out completely.

 

She gets close, she gets _so_ close before the break in Jillian’s voice as she speaks stops her dead.

 

“Go, Er. _Please_ just go. I never should have said that. I didn’t….I don’t want to make it any worse.”

 

Jillian’s voice is heavier with pain than Erin could have imagined, and she takes a step back before leaving immediately, not wanting to be the cause of a moment more.

 

 

-

 

 

She exists.

 

That’s the best that can be said of the next few weeks.

 

Erin moves mechanically, methodically. Behaves exactly how society always taught her, and feels the bonds _pull_ at her skin in torment.

 

She’s careful to smile at _her_ and answer Abby and speak to Patty, but every time she looks for Jillian she’s not there.

 

She tries to pull herself together, tells herself that she _has_ to, because she has the rest of her life to live.

 

But there is no light in the stars, and only pain in her bones, and Erin doesn’t know how to make it better.

 

 

-

 

 

She makes the decision to leave a few weeks later.

 

She can't do this anymore and it's not fair on the others because this is _her_ future to bear, and no one else's.

 

Most of all though, she wishes for Jillian to be happy, and she knows that will never happen as long as she is here as a constant reminder of what they _could_ have had every single day.

 

Abby is the first to realise what she is planning, and her words are blunt and angry and heartbroken all at the same time.

 

“When?”

 

“As soon as I can find something else. A week or two maybe.”

 

It's the one positive to come from this mess, her instant popularity and demand as a scientist at the top of her field.

 

She's received job offers from all over the world since they saved the city, but she's never even put a seconds thought towards a single one until now.

 

“Will you stay in the state?”

 

“Probably not. I thought a clean break would be best.”

 

Abby drops her head, and Erin can tell she's trying to make her tears as silent as she can as they drop to the floor between them.

 

It breaks her heart in a completely different way, and for the first time since she started planning her departure, she falters.

 

She reaches out and takes Abby's hand between hers.

 

“I'll miss you too.”

 

“Are you sure you can't stay?”

 

“I think it'll kill me. I think it'll kill us both.”

 

Abby doesn't reply straight away and Erin knows it's because Abby realises how strong the truth in her words is.

 

“For what it's worth, I'm sorry Erin. If I could turn back time, I would.”

 

“I know,” Erin replies as the weights of the lost _maybes_ hang heavy around her heart.

 

“Me too.”

 

 

-

 

 

Erin secures a position in Canada for now, and she starts to pack up her life in New York.

 

It's so much harder than she ever thought it would be and she almost gives in, but then she sees the two of them together and Erin knows she had no choice but to go.

 

Her heart beats heavier with every passing second, as though it knew what she was planning to do and was trying desperately to anchor her in place.

 

She tells Patty in the morning and they both cry, and Patty's words after are softer than she's expecting.

 

“Have you told Holtzy yet?”

 

“No. I uh….I don't know how to.”

 

“Make sure you do it soon ok baby, give her the time to grieve before you go.”

 

“I thought I would try now. Before I lose my nerve.”

 

“Good. Just….make sure you're gentle, alright? This will be bad enough.”

 

 

-

 

 

Honestly, she'd rather cut her own arm off than have the conversation she knows she has to next, but Patty’s right.

 

She owes it to Jillian to put her, put _them_ , out of their misery so she can try and mend the broken pieces of her heart that Erin has torn away with her bare hands.

 

She walks up to their lab, well Jillian’s lab now, and each step is heavier than the last.

 

They're both sitting at Jillian's workbench, and Erin watches as _she_ tries to twirl one of Holtz’s screwdrivers around her fingers.

 

Jillian had taught her how to do that the first week she had moved up here, and Erin bites her lip to make her body move forward.

 

_She's_ trying and laughing, and Jillian is watching but Erin can tell she's not really interested, and when she smiles Erin watches with a halted breath as it falls short of her eyes.

 

_She_ hears Erin's footfalls first, and smiles a welcome as Erin walks towards the desk slowly.

 

Erin acknowledges them both before speaking directly to Jillian.

 

“I need to talk to you about something. Do you think we could have some privacy, or…?”

 

She watches the colour drain out of Jillian's face, and it's almost like she knows what's coming before Erin even starts.

 

“Yeah, sure. I had to talk to Abby about something anyway,” the younger woman says before leaning in to place a kiss on Jillian's cheek.

 

She winces, ever so slightly but Erin catches it anyway, because she knows Jillian's expressions better than her own, and a small spark of hope burns in her stomach before it dies out when Jillian blows her a kiss.

 

She walks out, and leaves Erin and Jillian alone.

 

Erin doesn't speak straight away, instead taking a second to try and fix this sight into her memory.

 

She breathes and she feels the tension ripple between them, before she bites her lip and starts.

 

“I uh….I have something I need to tell you,” she says nervously, squeezing her hand closed so her nails pinch at her palm.

 

Jillian doesn't say anything. She's just watching Erin like she's waiting for her to speak and break her heart again, and commit their story to the depths of the universe’s _almosts_.

 

“I'm leaving. Not for a week or so, but I'm going.”

 

She watches as a full spectrum of emotion crosses over Jillian's face, and Erin's surprised when it settles on hurt.

 

“Why?”

 

The question is simple and quiet, but Jillian's voice still breaks over its edge.

 

“You know why, Jill. It's not fair, me being here. For either of us but most of all for you. I want you to be happy.”

 

She watches as Jillian takes in her words, frowning as she tries to reason with Erin.

 

“But I am happy. And you're here, so why can't you stay?”

 

“Are you though?” Erin laughs cynically. “Because I'm sure as hell not. Besides, you can't stand to be in the same room as me anymore. I just….I'm sick of being on edge all the time. I'm _tired_.”

 

“I know it hasn't been easy but I can try harder. You don't have to go Er, please. I've been wanting to talk to you, because things haven't been….I mean I think I'm going to break…..”

 

Erin's hanging off her words, her heart pounding in her chest because it sounded like Jillian was going to say….

 

The unsteady silence between them is broken by the piercing sound of the alarm they'd had installed at the fire station for emergencies, and their heads both whip around towards the stairs as Patty's voice booms up from below.

 

“Come on y’all, this is urgent. We've gotta go, **now**.”

 

They look to each other, the noise fading into the background as Erin hears their heartbeats pulse together.

 

She wants to mouth _later_ but she knows how dangerous a drug like hope can be, so instead she just moves toward the door, her eyes flicking back to Jillian's one last time.

 

They look pained and hungry, and they fix on Erin like she's the only thing Jillian's ever seen clearly.

 

The moments broken as Abby's voice calls out again, urging them on, and they follow at once.

 

 

-

 

 

They arrive at the old mansion from a few weeks ago, and the scene before them is utter chaos.

 

What happened before was obviously only a precursor to _this_ , whatever this is, because it looks like the house is trying to destroy itself from the inside out.

 

They group and make a plan and attack the house from different points, but still in unison.

 

They move so seamlessly together now, no matter what else is happening in the background. They dance around each other, firing covering shots as someone else steps in front to attack.

 

Erin thinks it actually must be quite beautiful to watch from the outside, as she throws a grenade at a ghost who's trying to pick Patty up by the ankles as Jillian fires a shot over her left shoulder, hitting another figure square in the jaw.

 

They're up on the second floor now, all five of them, and the scene unfolds before Erin, almost like a premonition but in real time.

 

She watches in horror as a ghost flies towards the younger girl, currently standing at the top of the stairs.

 

She's too distracted trying to get the pin off her own grenade to see it coming, and Erin watches a flash of what _could_ happen flit across her own eyes before she makes a decision and moves.

 

She sprints across the room, shoving the younger girl out of the way roughly as the ghost catches her instead.

 

The next few seconds feel like some sort of abstract dream state, and she watches almost above the scene as the other three turn at the younger woman's scream.

 

Erin hears Abby's voice and Patty's cry but they're only secondary, and her eyes find Jillian's as she reaches the peak of her flight arc, the second before she falls down a floor to the ground below.

 

Jillian's face is white with shock and her mouth is open in a silent scream and she reaches out for Erin, even though she's _far_ too far away to help.

 

Erin closes her eyes to the crystal blue of Jillian's, and then everything goes **black**.

 

 

-

 

 

She wakes up in so much pain that she immediately surmises she couldn't possibly be **dead**.

 

Although she's not quite sure how she could be _alive_ after a fall like that.

 

Erin opens her eyes slowly, expecting to see the stark white walls of a hospital room, so she's more than a little confused to find herself staring at her own darkened bedroom ceiling instead.

 

She tries to move, to pull herself up onto one elbow but regrets it immediately when her body screams in protest.

 

She relaxes uneasily against her bed but looks down, slightly panicked and surprised to see an IV line in her arm.

 

It's only then that she hears a quick movement at the side of her bed, and she looks down to see Jillian Holtzmann pulling herself up on her knees off of a makeshift bed on the floor.

 

“What….?” Erin tries, but her throat is dry and everything hurts and Jillian holds up a hand quickly before disappearing out the door, bringing a nurse back in her wake.

 

Erin looks around confused as the nurse comes over. She lifts Erin's wrist for a pulse before she looks down at her with kind eyes.

 

“Your girlfriend will explain everything in a minute. For now can you tell me how bad the pain is from one to ten.

 

She closes her eyes and tries to stretch her body, gasping as the pain clutches at her chest harshly.

 

“Higher than a seven?”

 

She nods quickly as tears prick at the corner of her eyes. The nurse turns a dial attached to the IV, and Erin feels the sweet rush of morphine down the back of her throat.

 

“You’ve got a couple of broken ribs, but other than that you’re ok, hence why you’re here and not in ICU. You are very _very_ lucky to be alive, and for the most part, in one piece. Try not to move, but other than rest, there’s not much we can do. Try get some sleep, both of you,” the nurse says pointedly to Jillian. “The drip’s regulated so if you're in pain when you wake just turn the dial.”

 

She turns to address Jillian again.

 

“You’ve got my cell, if you need anything just call but I think you’ll be fine.”

 

She turns to Erin.

 

“You’re in good hands.”

 

One last meaningful glare at Jillian and she’s gone, leaving them alone.

 

Erin relaxes back into her bed, the sensation of floating coursing through her body as the morphine takes its toll. She turns her head to the side to see Jillian sitting back on her heels, watching her.

 

She doesn’t really know where to start.

 

Maybe, what the hell happened.

 

Or, why are you here?

 

Jillian does the hard work for her though, and Erin watches as she takes a great shuddering breath before dropping her head into her hands.

  
When she speaks her voice is strained, and Erin can tell she’s trying hard not to cry.

 

“That was _really_ fucking stupid, you know that right?”

 

“I know but….”

 

“You could have died Erin, and then what would I have….”

 

The air falls silent between them, and Erin knows it’s her turn to try and patch the distance between them now.

 

“Will you tell me what happened?”

 

“You put yourself in immense personal danger. Got thrown down two flights of stairs. Didn’t move for about five seconds and I….”

 

Jillian stills and Erin can see her fear and pain in the way she holds her shoulders.

 

“I thought you were _dead_ , Er. You were just so still and I….”

 

“Hey, but I’m not though, ok? And if it wasn’t me, it would have been _her_ and I just couldn’t….I didn’t want you to have to deal with _that_ so I….”

 

“You don’t think _this_ was worse for me? Watching that happen to _you_? I mean, I like her, I really do but she’s….she’s not you Erin.”

 

It’s taken Erin this long to realise that actually, they’re the only ones here now, and after the events of the previous day, she wasn’t sure why Jillian’s other half wasn’t glued to her side.

 

“Where’s….?”

 

Erin still has trouble actually saying her name, but it doesn’t matter. Jillian knows who she means, regardless.

 

“We uh….we broke up.”

 

“What?” Erin says quickly, her heart pausing in her chest with a tone thick pulse. “Why?”

 

“Come on Er, you know why.”

 

It’s there, a tiny spark building in the base of her heart and she shakes her head, trying to hold onto the lucidity she has left.

 

“I think I do, but I need you to say it.”

 

“She asked me if I love you.”

 

“What did you say?”

 

_A pause._

 

“I didn’t have to say anything.”

 

Erin closes her eyes, and for the first time in months she _breathes_.

 

The air is clean and crisp and without pain, and she doesn’t even try to stop her tears.

 

Erin moves herself slowly to the edge of the bed, her body shaking with the effort, but she feels this _pull_ towards Jillian, and for once she doesn’t try to stop it.

 

“Tell me?” Erin asks, and their eyes meet and suddenly the abyss that’s stretched out between them for far too long narrows all at once.

 

Jillian leans in, and Erin closes her eyes and feels Jillian’s breath against her lips.

 

When she sighs the bonds between them sigh in unison.

 

“I love you.”

 

 

-

 

 

They kiss, and it feels like the end of the world because _nothing_ could ever be as good as this.

 

Jillian’s lips are like velvet against hers and they move against each other perfectly, even injured as she is.

 

She runs her fingers through Jillian’s hair, pulling it free from the few pins still in place, and as she watches it tumble down around Jillian’s shoulders, Erin falls in love all over again.

 

 

-

 

 

They kiss and the shackles that have bound Erin for _so_ long, fall away as if they were never there at all.

 

Erin feels the whisper of a breeze pass over the skin where the manacles have held firm her entire life, and her soul rejoices at it’s freedom.

 

 

-

 

 

They lay together for days, mapping out the destinies of themselves in all the different universes.

 

In some they meet young, in some they meet at war, in others they marry before they find each other, but in every one there is a single truth.

 

That their love is stronger than _anything_ else holding them apart.

 

-

 

 

There is a privilege in this, Erin knows.

 

Because _surely_ it’s not like this for everyone.

 

She feels Jillian with every beat of her heart, and every breath from her lungs, and she knows they have the planets at their feet.

 

 

-

 

 

They come together days later, when Erin can move without pain, and it’s _nothing_ and **everything** she had hoped for all at once.

 

Jillian touches her and the world just goes quiet, and the only thing Erin can hear is their uneven breathing falling into sync.

 

She runs her hands over Erin’s body so gently that Erin thinks she might break from wanting, but then Jillian’s mouth is firm against her neck, and her hands push slowly at their clothes, and the touch of their heated skin burns brighter than the sun.

 

 

-

 

 

“You’ll tell me if I’m hurting….”

 

“ **Yes** , Jill. I will just _god_ , don’t stop touching me.”

 

 

-

 

 

Erin doesn’t ever think she’s ever felt so much by being touched so delicately before.

 

Jillian’s fingers are feather light when they slide inside her for the first time, and Erin’s body bows upwards  closing the space between them.  

 

 

-

 

 

After, Erin’s hands move over Jillian, and she forgets what it was ever like to touch another body.

 

She’s hesitant at first, but Jillian moans beneath her like she’s been starving for _years_.

 

Erin’s slow, yes, but Jillian gasps and arches beneath her mouth, and Erin smiles against her skin as she _learns_.

 

 

-

 

 

“Holy _fuck_ , Erin.”

 

“Good?”

 

“Yes, yes. _God_ , yes.”

 

-

 

“Can I…?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you…?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Jill, I….”

 

“Anything Er, do _anything_ , I’m yours.”

 

-

 

 

 

Later, _much_ later, when her bones are mended and their hearts are whole, they test the limits of their bodies.

 

They claw at each other like animals, and litter their skin with bruises.

 

They bite and they scream and they claim _everything_ that was almost denied them.

 

They pull **hard** and push _deep_ and when Jillian makes her come, after hours and hours of teasing, she forgets how to speak.

 

 

-

 

 

Afterwards they are still and their blood pounds victorious through their veins and everything else that doesn’t matter _falls_ away, leaving only the two of them.

 

 

-

**Author's Note:**

> hey. you guys are beautiful. let me know what you thought?


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